middle age

I never got my PhD in physics.  I stopped at a M.S.  I do not mean this to complain.  It was my choice to leave grad school at the age of 39 and enter the job market.  I left my studies, knowing that academia, at least in physics, views an M.S. as an incomplete PhD.  But despite that,  I have had a fulfilling career ever since, and I have no regrets.  Until…

…until I found out that one of the 1^st year undergraduates that was enrolled in my university physics course 11 years ago, is soon to get his PhD in mathematical physics.   I remember him.  He was an unbelievably sharp kid.  I knew he would go far.

But my former student has now attained a level that I will, in all likelihood never attain.  He has reached a goal that I will never reach. 

I had a dream last night.  I rarely remember dreams anymore, but I remember this one.  I dreamt that I was back in my old University at a department pizza social.  All the young freshmen from my 11 years old class were there, and none had aged a single day.  They all asked if I was there as the new professor.  No, I replied, I was just there for pizza, and to cheer them on for their dissertation defenses.

I think it is no coincidence that today is my birthday.  I am 49 years old today.  Well into middle age.  I am not consciously thinking about aging, but it somehow snuck into my dreams last night.  

I realize how trite, immature and selfish this sounds.  I realize that I have a wonderful and fulfilling life.  I realize that I am rich beyond my wildest imagination.  I have no right to think such pitiful thoughts.  But there they are - I am a mere human weakling after all.  I think that this is a mood that will only last through today.  After all, I swore to myself a long time ago that I would never let myself sink into a mid-life crisis.

Lift a glass.  Here’s looking forward to tomorrow!