I had it easy. Mom
had long since left her Pentecostal religion behind her, and for all I knew,
was apathetic towards religious belief.
Dad had fully given his life over to the Mormon
Church El Paso to find
employment, and had spent only a few years investing in local friendships and
commitments. Despite our activities in
both La Puerta del Cielo
Baptist Church and St
Michael the Archangel Catholic Church, we had not formally joined
either church as members. Probably most
importantly, Rosemary and I had no children to drag through the confusion I
felt after losing my Faith in Jesus. I
have since read countless, heartbreaking stories by former believers who,
because of concerns over children, parents, an overbearing church involvement
or religious culture, cannot completely make the break from the religion they
no longer have Faith in. The only person
I felt accountable to was my wife. My
Baptist church? Since I was not a
member, I simply stopped attending on Sunday mornings. I figured that I did not owe anybody there an
explanation. Cowardly? Perhaps.
But since I liked Pastor Alvarez, and did not object to his more tepid
form of Baptist preaching, I just did not want to raise trouble where I thought
trouble would not be welcome. My Catholic
church? Since I never said anything to
anybody at that church, outside of the rote, ‘peace be with you’, nobody there
knew or cared about my personal religious beliefs – or even non-beliefs. I bet half the people in that church were
heretics of one kind or another, but people in that place rarely talked about
their beliefs.
Without any societal commitments, my departure from Faith
was relatively easy. Not that it was
painless.
Rosemary knew that my beliefs were changing. She could see the books that I had been
reading, and she was troubled by some of the conversations that I was starting
with her. I was honest and open with her
throughout the entire transition away from Faith. I have read some stories of apostate husbands
who must break the news to their wives that they no longer believe God
exists. Such stories have always
astounded me. Had I done this to
Rosemary, had I hid all my books, inner thoughts and secret doubts from her,
then just slammed her with the news from out of the blue, she would not have
understood anything. It definitely would
not have ended well. But since I never
hid anything from her, nothing took her by surprise. We had our share of difficult conversations,
but at least I shared everything with her, honestly, and from the beginning.
Rosemary once asked me bluntly if I still believed in
God. Did all that reading and skepticism
destroy my Faith? I said it did. But, of course I still believed in God! I was not sure who or what He was, and I was
struggling to figure all that out. But
my Faith in God was pretty much gone, and I was still trying to discover what I
could have Faith in! Rosemary was
relieved. I did not have Faith, but I
was a ‘Searcher’. I would eventually
find my way. I did my best to explain that I had come to believe that the Bible, along with other Holy Books of the world, were just man's attempt to find God. God was out there, and he gave us what we needed, but He was also leaving it up to His faithful to find him with the tools He made available. Somehow, I also must find my way to God, in my own way, and with my own kind of Faith.
Rosemary then asked me about our marriage. If I no longer believed in God as I had once
understood Him, what about the marriage vows that we had taken in His
name? Did I feel that our marriage was
still valid? Would I ever feel justified
in leaving her in this unequally yoked marriage if I felt I did not have to
answer to God? Was marriage no longer a
sacrament? I think this was the most
painful question that I had to answer upon leaving Faith. My own wife was frightened about her
unbelieving husband. I did my best to
help her understand that not only did I did make a vow before God during our
marriage ceremony, but I made the same vow to her. I made the vows before her family, my family,
all our friends, and even Pastor Alvarez who officiated. I may no longer hold God to be sacred, but I
did hold everybody else high enough to honor them with my marriage vows. It took her some time to understand, but
eventually she did. A couple of years
later, her mother asked me the same thing.
Needless to say, this devout Catholic woman was not too thrilled with a
sudden Heathen as a husband for her daughter.
Over time though, and after a concerted avoidance to speak about
religion to her, I think I have earned her trust.
I had only shared the mildest of doubts with the believers
in my small home Bible study group.
Pastor Dave Shultz, the usual leader of our group, had no warning when I
suddenly announced that I would no longer be able to host the Bible study in my
home. I tried to avoid trouble by giving
no real reason, other than I was not feeling convicted to host the Bible study
any longer. Pastor Dave, suspecting that
I was up to something fishy, told me that he would like to schedule a time
where we could discuss my conviction privately.
I was nervous when the appointed day came. I had hoped that he would visit, that I would
give some lame excuse about not feeling led by the Lord any longer, and that
would be the end of it. But when I tried
that lame tactic, Dave’s pastoral discernment told him that I was hiding
something. While our wives spent time
making deserts in the kitchen, Dave interrogated me until I confessed. And confess I did. I figured that if I was going to make a clean
break from my religious beliefs, and if he was going to be insistent enough to
get me to confess all my grievances against the god of our beliefs, then I
would give it to him with both barrels.
So I let Pastor Dave have it. The
years of pent up doubts. The frustration
with praying to a silent god and resting all our hopes on an indifferent deity. The realization that the Almighty was
thoroughly impotent without the Faith of His followers. The admission that I could not honestly
reconcile what I understood about science, particularly theories of our origins
and evolution, with my Biblical understanding of the origins of the universe,
our world, and Original Sin. Finally,
the years and years of psychological torture that I endured with the
superstition called Eternal Life. My
confessions gushed forth like bitter water from an untapped well. Pastor Dave tried to answer with simple and
unconvincing apologetic responses that I was already both familiar and
disgusted with. There was no reasoning
with me. I was given over to a reprobate
mind.
Meanwhile, Kate and Rosemary were preparing deserts in the
kitchen. Rosemary admitted that she was
still a believer in God and always would be.
Kate was relieved that the wife remained in the fold, even if the
husband had given himself over to a life of apostasy and sin. Knowing that Rosemary still believed in God,
Kate thought that she could confide in her:
“Joe is losing his faith?
Is he still a believer?”
“I don’t know,” said my wife. “He is searching.”
“His spirit never seemed to stay at rest. He was always questioning. Questioning is OK! God welcomes questions! But at some point he has to rest on Faith.”
Rosemary was already uneasy with the direction Kate was
taking the conversation. Rosemary was
particularly shocked when Kate said,
“We might not be able to let you watch Henry anymore,” referring to her autistic son that we sometimes enjoyed taking out for
pizza and miniature golf, “I don’t know that we can trust Joe.”
“Why won’t you trust him?”
“Because we don’t understand him anymore. We cannot relate to him. It is going to be very difficult for us to
love him.”
Rosemary became very upset at the willingness of her friend
to completely dismiss us, based not on my actions, not on my morality, but
simply because I had unacceptable and offensive beliefs. I had offended her simply by not agreeing
with her beliefs. Rosemary was finally
coming to understand how conditional our Christian friendships really
were. Rosemary was open and accepting of
the beliefs of others, but was always skeptical about accepting Baptists and
their beliefs for herself. She had resisted
joining their church. Kate had assumed
that Rosemary held more devotion to her church than to her husband. Kate had assumed that Rosemary, as a
believer, was willing to hate her father and mother, her brother and sister,
and even her husband for His sake. Under
the same circumstances, I know that many women would think of ending their
unequally yoked marriage. But even this
unbeliever was lucky to have such an understanding and faithful wife.
After Pastor Dave Schultz had the full confession that he
had come for, he and Kate left our house.
Rosemary and I never returned to La Puerta del Cielo Baptist
Church. I figured that my confession of nonbelief to
Pastor Dave officially made me out as an apostate to that Church, and I had no
desire to return to explain myself. I
saw Kate briefly in the airport some years later, but other than that chance
encounter we never again saw them.
Rosemary could not believe that Kate had confessed that they were going
to have a hard time loving me, when I was trying to be as honest as I
could. Apparently God welcomed questions
and doubts, but at the end of the day I had damn sure better get the right
answers. God cannot tolerate wrong
answers from honest questions, and neither can His followers.
Rosemary and I still talk about how we miss
their son Henry.
1 comment:
This entry brought tears to my eyes.
Post a Comment